How to Choose an Egg Donor: Insights From My Experiences

Advice from a mom who has done this once or twice (or three times!)

Whether this is your first time considering egg donation or you’ve always known you would need an egg donor to build your family, choosing an egg donor is not an easy process. Having personally navigated this journey three times, with different agencies and egg banks, I know firsthand how exciting yet overwhelming it can be.

My Top 3 Tips on Choosing an Egg Donor

I’m here to share some of the lessons I've learned from my experiences in hopes of making this process a bit easier for you and help you avoid making the same mistakes I made.

1. Deeply Consider Your Relationship With Your Egg Donor

Before you even begin your search, it's important to think about the kind of relationship you want with your egg donor. You don’t want to choose someone who isn’t going to be able to give you the relationship you want, because once legal contracts are signed, it’s almost impossible to change. Trust me, I’ve tried (with another agency).

We initially chose someone who was open to being contacted by our child at 18 years old, but after having my daughter, I realized that wasn’t good enough for us. I wanted access to our egg donor; I wanted to be able to email her if my daughter had a question. I have been fighting for 3 years now to try to revise our agreement without success. Learn from my mistakes.

Think about the type of access you want to this person or the information you’d want for your future child. It’s easy to overlook this part of the process in the beginning because excitement kicks in, and it’s easy to dive straight into focusing on physical attributes.

If you have a partner, have a serious conversation with them about what is important to you and your family before hopping online to browse the egg donor database.

Questions to ask about yourself and your partner:

Do you want to talk to the egg donor before making a decision?
How involved do you want them in your life or your child’s life?
Is it important to you to know their name?
What do you think your child would want out of a relationship?

Once you have determined the type of relationship you want with your egg donor, then you can proceed with your search.

2. Look Closely at the Egg Donor’s Personal Health and Family Health History

Before you go looking at GPAs and eye color, it’s important to ensure your donor is healthy. Look closely at their family health history. Are their parents still living? What about grandparents? Was there any mental illness in the family? Or cancer? What about allergies? Find out what genetic screening has taken place and if your donor is a genetic carrier of anything.

Your chosen egg donor agency or egg bank should provide you with this information. For instance, Donor Nexus lists genetic carrier results directly on the egg donor profile and can typically request additional genetic carrier testing if needed.

3. How Fertile is the Egg Donor?

This might seem like a no-brainer, but again, when the excitement takes over, it’s easy to fall in love with your donor’s baby pictures and 20-year-old model status, but unfortunately, being young and beautiful doesn't always equal fertile. If the right egg donor screening isn’t done, you could find yourself in my shoes. The first donor I ever chose with another agency was a first-time egg donor. I chose her solely based on her physical characteristics and didn’t ask any questions about her fertility or health history. I trusted that the right tests were done and that if she was in the database, chances were, she was fertile as a turtle. WRONG.

The day before her IVF retrieval, the majority of her eggs had dissolved. We had already invested so much emotionally and financially. To say I was heartbroken was an understatement. I was naive to think that an egg donor equaled a baby, but unfortunately, that is not the case.

This isn’t to say that first-time donors aren’t fertile, because obviously, they all have to start somewhere, but working with the right egg donor agency (or egg bank) and fertility clinic is extremely important. Find out what type of fertility screening is done. Ask your doctor, “Would you choose this donor if it was for your own family?” Your doctor and agency Case Manager should be able to help you narrow down your search because they ultimately want you to have success too. Don’t be afraid to involve them in the process.

Bonus: Things to Keep in Perspective When Choosing an Egg Donor

1. You Aren’t Looking for Your Twin

They. Don’t. Exist.

Fertility, health and relationship are the most important things, try to remind yourself of this during your search. Try not to get lost in their big, beautiful eyes. You can find a resemblance; just make sure you dive deeper into their family history, genetic screening, and reasons for becoming an egg donor. Now that I have a child via egg donation, I have no doubt what’s most important, and I can tell you it is certainly not eye color.

I’m not saying to just pick anyone. It’s totally normal to want to find a resemblance to yourself in the donor; just don’t obsess over it.

In this blog, mother via donor eggs shares her insights on how to choose an egg donor and tips based on her experiences. Check it out!

2. You Don’t Need to Fall In Love

Our first doctor told me to think about choosing the donor, like choosing my spouse. She said that there should be a spark or some sort of connection. She assured me that I would know when I had found the “one.” I beat myself up over this. How am I supposed to feel something for a young girl I’ve never met just by reading an essay or seeing some photos?

You can’t.

And you know what? The one I thought I was in love with? Well, her eggs didn’t work. So, scratch that theory. Better yet, I never felt a love connection with our second egg donor, the one who helped us conceive my daughter, my soulmate, the love of my life.

REMEMBER: This is not a marriage. You do not need to find your soulmate - your partner and your child will fill that role. There are far more important things to focus on than searching for a love connection with someone on a computer screen.

My lack of connection to our egg donor has had zero bearing on how I feel about my child. From the day that embryo was placed inside of me, I was bonded with her for life. That’s when the real love connection happened. That’s when the sparks went flying in every direction of my heart.

That was the moment I became a mother.

3. No One is Perfect

Not your egg donor, not me, not you. Picture yourself as an egg donor, and think about the flaws that make you, you. I’m sure you’d have some things in your history you aren’t exactly proud of. Egg donors are human, too. Try not to be judgemental. At the beginning of my search, I obsessed over the littlest things and I felt so icky about it. Who am I to judge? I can’t fathom an infertile couple judging me by my bio and photos when I was in my early 20s.

Yikes.

Find tips on choosing an egg donor from an experienced mother via egg donation in this blog!

4. Find ONE Thing That Connects You

Find one quality that connects you to the egg donor. One! Whether that be appearance, education, career, personality, or family heritage. Don’t obsess over finding your doppelganger, they don’t exist. Try to find one thing that connects you to your egg donor, and if you have more than one, then great!

I love being able to talk to my daughter about how we both might share German, English, and Irish genes. Or the fact that even though she didn’t get her donor’s blue eyes, if she did, we would have been able to connect on having the same color eyes. It’s less about connecting with the donor, and more so having another connection to your child and a way to tie you all together.

As I discussed in my post about Infertility Grief, there is so much more to pass on to our children than genetics.

Try to have some fun with it. It’s easy to get stressed out and feel the weight of the decision you are making, but at the end of the day, there is no perfect egg donor, just like there is no perfect person.

About the Author:

Mother via donor eggs shares her tips on choosing an egg donor, including lessons she's learned through her experiences, to help you navigate your journey and select the right egg donor. Check it out! Victoria Nino is a two-time mother via donor eggs who spent many years chasing the dream of motherhood that she's now living. As a guest author on the Donor Nexus blog, Victoria shares her wealth of knowledge and personal experiences to help our intended parents as they navigate their unique journeys. We are so grateful to work with Victoria on her mission of normalizing donor conception! To connect personally with Victoria, follow her on Instagram or join one of her virtual online support groups.

About Donor Nexus:

Donor Nexus Egg Bank and Egg Donation Agency in Newport Beach, Orange County, Southern California

Donor Nexus is a boutique egg bank and fresh egg donor agency in Newport Beach, California, working with intended parents and egg donors worldwide. We offer a personalized experience delivered through our proven donor egg and donor embryo programs. Since our establishment in 2012, over 1,200 babies have been born through our programs. Looking for an egg donor? Register for free access to our online donor database to explore your options with us. We look forward to assisting you in any way we can!

Find Additional Resources in the Donor Nexus Blog:

• Fresh vs. Frozen Donor Eggs: 5 Important Factors to Compare

• 7 Ways I Learned to Cope With Infertility Grief

• Should I Use Donor Eggs? Will I Have Any Regrets?

• Epigenetics: Donor Egg Mother's Influence Starts in the Womb

• Explaining Donor Conception to Your Child: Dos and Don'ts

• Navigating Donor Conception: Understanding Privacy vs. Secrecy

This blog was originally published on September 28th, 2021. The information provided in this blog is not to be considered medical advice. Please consult with your physician for actual medical advice specific to you.

How to Choose an Egg Donor: Insights From My Experiences

My Top 3 Tips on Choosing an Egg Donor

1. Deeply Consider Your Relationship With Your Egg Donor