Things to Keep in Perspective When Choosing an Egg Donor Mar 08, 2024 | by Victoria Nino, Guest Author

Things to Keep in Perspective When Choosing an Egg Donor

Whether this is your first time considering donor eggs or you’ve always known you would need an egg donor to build your family, choosing an egg donor is not an easy process. I’ve personally been through the egg donor selection process multiple times now, with multiple different agencies and egg banks. Finding an egg donor can be exciting and equally overwhelming. I’m sharing some of the lessons I learned in hopes of making the donor egg process a bit easier for you.

#1: You Aren’t Looking for Your Twin

They. Don’t. Exist. 

Fertility, health and relationship are the most important things, try to remind yourself of this during your search. Try not to get lost in their big, beautiful eyes. You can find a resemblance, just make sure you dive deeper into their family history, genetic screening, and reasons for becoming an egg donor. Now that I have a child via egg donation, I have no doubt what’s most important, and I can tell you it is certainly not eye color.

I’m not saying to just pick anyone, it’s totally normal to want to find a resemblance of yourself in the donor, just don’t obsess over it.

Tips on Choosing an Egg Donor: Find one thing that connects you. Consider what type of relationship you would like. Learn more in this blog from my experience!

#2: You Don’t Need to Fall In Love

Our first doctor told me to think about choosing the donor like choosing my spouse. She said that there should be a spark or some sort of connection. She assured me that I would know when I had found the “one”.  I beat myself up over this. How am I supposed to feel something for a young girl I’ve never met just by reading an essay or seeing some photos? 

You can’t. 

And you know what? The one I thought I was in love with? Well, her eggs didn’t work. So, scratch that theory. Better yet, I never felt a love connection with our second egg donor, the one who helped us conceive my daughter, my soulmate, the love of my life. 

REMEMBER: This is not a marriage. You do not need to find your soulmate - your partner and your child will fill that role. There are far more important things to focus on than searching for a love connection with someone on a computer screen.

My lack of connection to our egg donor has had zero bearing on how I feel about my child. From the day that embryo was placed inside of me, I was bonded with her for life. That’s when the real love connection happened. That’s when the sparks went flying in every direction of my heart. 

That was the moment I became a mother.


#3: No One is Perfect

Not your egg donor, not me, not you. Picture yourself as an egg donor, and think about the flaws that make you, you. I’m sure you’d have some things in your history you aren’t exactly proud of. Egg donors are human too. Try not to be judgemental. At the beginning of my search, I obsessed over the littlest things and I felt so icky about it. Who am I to judge? I can’t fathom an infertile couple judging me by my bio and photos when I was in my early 20s. 


If you are using donor eggs, these tips on choosing an egg donor will help inform you of things you may not have considered.

#4: Find One Thing That Connects You

Find one quality that connects you to the egg donor. One! Whether that be appearance, education, career, personality, or family heritage. Don’t obsess over finding your doppelganger, they don’t exist.  Try to find one thing that connects you to your egg donor, and if you have more than one, then great! 

I love being able to talk to my daughter about how we both might share German, English, and Irish genes. Or the fact that even though she didn’t get her donor’s blue eyes, if she did, we would have been able to connect on having the same color eyes. It’s less about connecting with the donor, and more so having another connection to your child and a way to tie you all together.  

As I discussed in my post about Infertility Grief, there is so much more to pass on to our children than genetics. 

Try to have some fun with it. It’s easy to get stressed out and feel the weight of the decision you are making, but at the end of the day, there is no perfect egg donor, just like there is no perfect person.


Find Additional Resources in the Donor Nexus Blog:


Written by Guest Author, Victoria Nino

DEIVF MomThis blog post was written by Victoria Nino from @expectinganything. Victoria is a mother via donor eggs and an advocate for the infertility community. We are honored to share her experience and tips on choosing an egg donor and hope it was helpful to you in your journey. 


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