Of course, telling your child early doesn’t necessarily mean that you will be off the hook for some follow-up questions. You can expect (and should encourage) them to ask questions about their donor.
If the child asks to meet the donor, they are not trying to replace you. They are likely just intrigued by the thought of this mysterious person. Instead of responding with a hard “no” which may be off-putting for the child, you can leave the door open by simply saying, “maybe someday.”
Remember: Kids are curious about everything, so don’t panic! You can choose how much information to give them in response to their questions, and they will likely move on fairly quickly after you’ve engaged them.
Language is important, and specialists encourage parents to not overplay or underplay the role of the donor. You can refer to them as either the “donor” or the “helper.” However, calling the donor “mother” or “father” is an example of overplaying the role of the donor as that may confuse your child.
It’s also important not to underplay the role of the donor. After all, in the case of an egg donor, she did contribute to 50% of the genetic makeup of your child, or 100% in the case of an embryo donor couple. Although genetics are not everything, they are still very important. As your child begins to understand more about genetics, they will come to understand how the contribution from their donor helped make them who they are.
Some parents feel that it is important to honor and recognize the donor for their generosity. It is possible to acknowledge that the donor is a real person, and is very special, without compromising the very important and special role that you play as the parents.
It may be beneficial to naturally bring up the donor here and there when you see an opportunity. For instance, if your child is showing an interest in singing, you can share with them that their donor was also a very talented singer! This is an exciting way to show your child that you are comfortable bringing it up, and therefore, they can also feel comfortable enough to come to you when they have questions. This approach can help relieve any tension or nervousness surrounding the topic as it becomes normalized in your family and the child understands that it is nothing to be ashamed of.
As stated by Creating A Family,
“It’s the child’s story. Even if you do not want the world to know, there is a mighty fine line between privacy and secrecy. It is fine to encourage your child to only talk about their conception within the family, but if you go overboard you risk making it a secret, and secret implies there is something wrong or shameful about their conception.”
By thinking about certain situations beforehand, you can maintain control with any boundaries that you do have. For instance, you may choose to share with your child early on, but would rather wait until they are a bit older before you share additional specific information about the donor or the egg/embryo donation process that occurred. If possible, try to clearly communicate your feelings and expectations on the matter with everyone that will be close to your child. Let them know how you’d like them to respond if your child goes to them for information at any point.
Within donor conceived families, you will notice kids having similar mannerisms to their parents, using similar phrases, and sharing many other similarities. Without spiraling too deep into the epigenetics and nature vs nurture conversations, we will just say this: your child conceived using donor eggs or donor embryos is every bit your child and they feel the same way. As beautifully shared by donor child Allegra in this video, “I am my mother’s child.”
We were fortunate enough to have donor egg mama and industry advocate Victoria Nino shed some light on how she approaches telling her 3-year-old daughter about her egg donor. As shared by Victoria,
"I am a huge believer in epigenetics and talk about the impact that all three people had in making her - our egg donor, her father and me. I'm constantly experimenting with different ways of explaining this to my three-year-old, and find it easiest to casually mention where she gets things from as they come up, like her button nose from her donor, her beautiful eyes from dada and her sense of humor from mama."
Understandably, some parents may have a deep-rooted fear that their child will not feel as connected to them if they know that they are not genetically related. Fortunately, that’s not the case! Many egg donation children comment on the love and connection they feel with their parents, regardless of genetic linkage.
By sharing the donor conception story with your child, you are ingraining into their identity just how wanted and loved they truly are.
Whether it’s a support group, professional counseling, or insights from books, there are many resources available to help you navigate telling your child about their conception. There are counselors and psychologists that specialize in egg donation, ready to discuss any fears or concerns you may have about telling your child.
Children’s books offer a relatable and engaging template for telling children the story of their conception. Below are some additional resources for you, the parent, as well as books for your children. For additional resources, you can reach out to the Donor Nexus team and we will be happy to help.
From the Donor Nexus Blog:
Children’s Books:
Online Community: