Dear DEIVF Mama to be,
I know you are nervous. I know you are anxious. Excited yet worried.
What you have been through to get to this point is hard, perhaps the hardest thing you have been through yet.
I know how lonely you might feel, like no one will ever understand your heart. You have sacrificed everything for a baby who won’t have your DNA, yet still worry if you will be enough for your baby.
But listen to me, sweet mama. When that baby finally makes its way to your arms, it will be better than anything you could have dreamt up. You will wonder how you ever questioned mothering via another woman’s DNA. I promise you this...your baby will know exactly who you are and you will be more than enough.
You will be EVERYTHING.
You ARE everything.
This love is the most magical kind of love. A love with multiple layers. A love that comes with deep gratitude and soul searching. A love that isn’t assumed, it's fought hard for. A love born in your heart long ago and will continue to grow with your every breath. With every needle, legal document and hard conversation, your love will grow.
A love that will break you into a million pieces, and will make you whole again - a stronger, more compassionate, resilient version.
The sun, the moon and the stars all had to come together to conspire a special plan just for you, to help you find your way to this love. You were chosen for this little soul with great purpose. This baby chose YOU as their mama - what an honor that is.
You will see mama, you will see.
This is a love you can’t possibly expect or see coming, but you will see.
It will rock you.
It will save you.
It will change you.
And then it will become you.
You ARE the love mama, hold on to that. Your baby is you, and you are them. Your heart is where your baby was first born and will live forever more.
1. Tell your story to your baby in utero: Start talking to your baby in the womb and practicing telling them your story. This gives you time to practice and figure out the words, but also helps your newborn learn to recognise the sound of your voice - mama’s voice.
2. Pheromones bond you: It’s no secret that the smell of your baby can trigger maternal bonding, but the opposite is true as well. The bond between a mother and child is so much more than a loving feeling. Pheromones are exchanged in the womb, through breastfeeding, and through other types of physical contact which create a lifelong bond between mothers and child.
3. Remember that all mothers bond with their babies: Remember that it’s okay if you don’t bond with your baby right away, you will bond with them on your own timeline, please also remember that mothers who share genetics with their babies also have a hard time bonding at first.
4. Cut your baby some slack: Try not to put too much pressure on the fact that the baby is donor conceived. Babies don’t know how they were conceived, babies are babies! If the baby is crying a lot, or having a hard time nursing, or not bonding with you right away, remember that it has nothing to do with them being donor conceived.
5. Honesty builds trust and attachment: Continue to be truthful with your child about how they were conceived, and find casual ways to weave it into conversations, just like you would the fact that they have Irish heritage, have 10 toes on their feet, and were born in California. This creates a strong foundation of identity, normalcy and trust in their parents. Create a safe, non judgmental space for your child to ask questions or express raw emotions. Let them know that you will love them no matter what they say or ask.
6. Involve family in early stages: Educate family members and friends on how to best support your child. It takes a village and the more love and empowerment your child has around them the stronger sense of belonging they have in the family.
You will see that genetics or DNA is nowhere in these bullet points. Bonding with your baby can happen in many ways, but the important thing to remember is that it is no different than a mother and child who share genetics.
You will bond with your baby, your baby will bond with you, it’s inevitable.
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3. 4 Tips on Choosing an Egg Donor by a Mother via Donor Eggs
4. Using Donor Eggs, Will My Baby Look Like Me?
5. My Donor Egg Pregnancy Experience
Donor Nexus is an egg donation agency in Southern California, working with intended parents and egg donors worldwide. We invite you to continue browsing our website for additional resources and contact our team with any questions. If you’re seeking donor eggs or donor embryos, register now for free access to browse donor profiles in our online database.