Written by Guest Author, Victoria Nino

We invited our dear friend Victoria from @expectinganything to share her experience using donor eggs with our community. Many people wonder, “When using donor eggs, will my baby look like me?” In this blog, Victoria addresses this concern which she has personally experienced and overcome. In addition to her invaluable insights, Victoria shares a wealth of knowledge about the science of epigenetics and how mothers using donor eggs influence the development of their babies through phenotypic expression. Let’s hear from Victoria!

If I Use Donor Eggs, Will My Baby Look Like Me?

"Without her having my DNA, I still see so many parts of myself in her..."

I Was So Concerned That My Baby Might Not Look Like Me

Before conceiving, I was so concerned with the chance that my baby might not look like me because I was using donor eggs. I feel so incredibly silly saying this out loud now because after having my daughter I realized how irrelevant physical traits are to our attachment and love for each other. 

During pregnancy, most women wonder and visualize what their unborn child will look like. They wonder - will he/she have my eyes? Or, my smile? Will he/she be tall like me? I didn’t get to wonder about those things. Sure, I wondered what my baby would look like, but I didn’t wonder if she would have my smile or my eyes. I wondered if she would have my donor's eyes or my husband's. That used to make me sad, but not anymore. Now, I know that there are far more ways to connect with your pregnancy/baby that have nothing to do with DNA.

I Always Assumed I'd Be Able to Pass My Family's Genetics to My Child One Day

I grew up in a family that was very proud of its genetics. Not because they were great, or superior, but because they were quirky and weird - because they were ours. They belonged to our family. From professional burping abilities to our allergies to literally everything, and not to forget our French and German heritage that we were told was in our blood yet we knew nothing about - we were still taught to be proud of it. I never thought for a second that I wouldn’t get to pass on my family’s genetics to my child one day. They were mine to give, it was my given right. 

So I thought.

You Will Grieve Your Genetics, But You Will Learn So Much About Love

Because my DNA was praised growing up, subconsciously I thought I needed my baby to have my genetics to bond. It was what knitted my family together, so it only made sense that I’d need to pass these things on for the love to exist as mother and child and for my child to be accepted as one of us. It was a belief that was ingrained in my brain at an early age. 

So, of course, I would have doubts when the script flipped. It's all about perspective.

If my parents had adopted me or used donor conception to conceive me, I would have learned at a young age that genetics isn’t the primary force of love within a family. I would bet that I wouldn’t have had the same fears I had when I first pursued donor eggs because my core belief system would have been different.

I Knew I Had to Change My Perspective

Before getting pregnant, I knew I had to change my perspective if I was going to be able to move forward with donor eggs. I knew I had to look at this situation differently than what I had been taught. If I had to give credit to the biggest thing that helped me do that, I would say it was when my doctor first explained epigenetics to me.