I am a strong woman because a strong woman raised me. Strong women aren’t just born that way, they are taught by watching the strong women in their lives work hard and stand up for themselves and others. I attribute a large portion of my strength to my mother’s leadership, independence, wisdom, vulnerability, and love. The other portion comes from my experiences and challenges in life.
I may not get to pass on my mother’s genes to my daughter, but I sure as hell can pass on her teachings. I don’t get to pass on her blue eyes, but I get to pass on her confidence and fierce love for her family.
I also got to pass on some strong names from my family. My daughter’s first name comes from her badass Great Grandmother who was still mowing her lawn in her 80s. Her middle name comes from her fiery great-aunt.
We get so hung up on genes, but there is so much more we get to pass on. As parents, we influence and cultivate who our children become. I may not have influence on what my daughter looks like physically, but I sure as hell play a major part in who she is as a person. And, that’s what matters most to me.
We don’t have children to make “mini-me’s” out of ourselves, that’s not the point of reproducing or a reason to grow a family. We have children to be uniquely themselves. To be individuals. My daughter has her own thoughts, her own soul, her own personality. I am her teacher but she learns and grows in her own unique way.
The truth is, I strive to be more like her, not to make her more like me. I am in complete awe of her uniqueness. She inspires me daily to be more than I am - to be my own version of me, not like anyone else.
Here are some things that have worked for me when working through the emotions of genetic grief and coping with using donor eggs.
• Give him/her a name and imagine what he/she would look like.
• Plan a ceremony for you and your partner, like planting a flower, or sending a lantern into the sky.
• Write a letter to your genetic child, address them by name, and tell them that you love them but it’s time to let them go now.
• Start telling your story to safe people and get comfortable with talking about it. Telling your story allows you to reflect your reality by seeing the emotion in the people you tell. I highly recommend joining a donor conception support group.
• Give your non-genetic child a name and imagine what this child would look like.
• Write a letter telling them how much you love them and that you are welcoming them into your heart and how excited you are to meet them and be their mommy or daddy.
• Finding other parents who have walked this life can help you visualize the reality of having a donor-conceived child. “If we see it, we can be it.”
• Make a list of all the amazing non-genetic traits you will get to pass on.
• Buy at least one children's book about donor conception and read it out loud, start thinking about how this relationship would feel when you tell your child their love story.
• TRUST that the universe is working on a master plan for you and that the child meant for you is going to be even better than what you imagined.
Want to hear more from Victoria? View more from her series on donor conception:
- 7 Ways I Learned to Cope With Infertility Grief
- Should I Use Donor Eggs? Will I Have Any Regrets?
- Will My Donor Egg Baby Look Like Me?
- Bonding and Attachment: A Letter to Intended Parents
Written by Guest Author, Victoria Nino
This blog post was written by Victoria Nino from @expectinganything. If you are struggling with how to deal with infertility, Victoria provides a welcoming and supportive online community on her Instagram and support groups on her website.
Victoria vulnerably shares her infertility grief experience in hopes of helping others who are in the midst of their journey grieving infertility. We are honored to partner with Victoria in our series on Donor Conception to address many of the emotions associated with using donor eggs or donated embryos.