About the Author
Lisa Schuman, LCSW, is a psychotherapist, author, researcher, podcast host, and expert in helping people navigate fertility treatment, donor conception, and surrogacy to have the families they desire. She has been working as a licensed therapist for three decades and is currently the director of The Center for Family Building, co-author of Building Your Family: The Complete Guide to Donor Conception, and the host of the Building Your Family podcast. She has presented several abstracts at the American Society for Reproductive Medicine and the Pacific Coast Reproductive Society and has won awards for her research.
Key Points: Crafting Your Child's Donor Conception Story
- Creating a personal story for your donor-conceived child will be a gift for your child and for you.
- Using a framework helps you remain mindful of issues that may be important to your child over time.
- Developing a story that is unique to your family can make it more meaningful and easier to share.
- The process of developing a narrative for your donor-conceived child can also help you manage your anxiety.
Framing the Narrative About Donor Conception with Your Child
After decades of working in the field of fertility, meeting with thousands of donors and recipients, and running a program for donor-conceived children, I have found the following four steps to be helpful to use as a framework to begin to craft your narrative for your child.
It is now common knowledge that speaking to donor-conceived children about their origins early and often is most helpful. However, parents often have trouble getting started. The following framework can help provide you with elements to consider when creating your story.
Embracing Difference: Helping Your Child Understand Their Unique Family
If you are using donor conception to build your family, your family may look different than your friends’ or neighbors’. It is helpful for everyone to have a tolerance for difference, but if your family was created in a way that seems different than the norm, it may be especially important for your child to embrace the concept of difference.
An easy way to start this is through books that you can read with your child. I have a sample book list on my website, and a quick Google or Amazon search can also provide many choices. Books that show different family types are ideal. For example, they may show pictures of a family with one mom, or another with two dads. Some books show how some babies grow in their parent’s tummies, while others grow in other people’s tummies.
Even if these family types do not match yours, you will still be demonstrating differences in family types. We know that donor-conceived children may one day want to meet donor-related siblings, but some simply want to meet other donor-conceived children.
Focusing on Sameness Can Bring Comfort to Your Child
Most of us can remember wanting to be the same as our friends. We want the same hairstyle, shoes, or video gaming system. It is natural to want to be part of the pack. In donor conception, this can be explained because all people, no matter what families look like, are all created with a sperm, an egg, and a uterus. Science may change that one day, but today, we all need the same parts to come into the world. There are many children’s books that share this idea as well.
The Mechanics: Making Donor Conception Understandable for Your Child
At some point, your child will learn about conception. The “birds and the bees” story is no longer relevant, but it is important to understand how this amazing system of conception occurs. This is a nice time to find books that suit your style. Some talk about donor conception in a storybook form, others are technical, and still others talk about this concept in metaphor.
Find the style that suits you and your family, and the process of disclosing will feel more natural and personal. Over time, your child will understand how it works. When they are young and concrete thinkers, they will understand the concepts differently than when they develop abstract thinking, but that is ok, you are sharing information that is important to them and they will never remember the day when they heard it for the first time. It will just become part of the fabric of their identity, and that is exactly what you want.
So, while you may want to find books that are exactly targeted to your child’s age, if some of your favorite books seem suited for an older child, you can improvise as you read them or skip the parts that may seem too confusing. The most important aspect of this is doing it, it does not need to be perfect.
Your Child's Story: Creating a Personal and Lasting Narrative
This is not a story about your child’s third or fourth birthday party. You can make a separate baby book for those events. This book is a story about how your child came into your life (please see references for more information). What is important is that you document how your child was created, the people who contributed to that creation, and any important, memorable, humorous, or sentimental anecdotes or mementos from that journey. Children love reading stories that are about them. Creating a book about their donor conception story that is personal will be something that they will refer back to time and again as they grow and can be instrumental in helping them consolidate the information.
Therapeutic Benefits for You as You Create Your Child's Storybook
Creating this book for your child can be very useful for another purpose. When you are going through fertility treatment, there is so much outside of your control. Oftentimes, parents feel disconnected and stressed about so many issues. Creating a book for your child can give you a project where you can feel in control because you will see evidence of your efforts which will provide you with a positive vehicle for connection that will be useful for your future family.
Previously published in Psychology Today
Find Additional Resources in the Donor Nexus Blog:
- Connecting with Donor-Related Siblings: A Guide for Parents
- Navigating Donor Conception: Understanding Privacy vs. Secrecy
- Explaining Donor Conception to Your Child: Dos and Don'ts
- Find Your Tribe: Join a Donor Egg Support Group
- IVF Grants: Your Guide to 2024 Opportunities
- Egg Donation Explained: Nonidentified, Identified, Open ID
References